2002-04-16 - 6:13 p.m.
I have grown tired. So tired of a life where I have to deal with people whose entire lives have been based on false knowledge such that they are willing to back it with their lives, at the risk of losing the stability that makes up their being. I don't often use the word "hate", but I HATE this situation. I HATE the fact that I cannot speak my mind for fear of being branded. I HATE the fact that I am so alone. Even people of progressive thought have their limits, where I did not set such limits for my mind. I allowed my mind to figure things out for itself, and I have come to conclusions that would make the world cry, and frankly, I have cried for the simple uselessness of it all. I have said it before and I will say it again: The only thing keeping me alive is LOVE. Love of family. Not love of God. Not love for friends. Not love of self. Love of family. If my family did not exist, I would have been dead a long time ago. If it were not for my Mother, Father, Sister, and the rest of my extended family (who are not close enough to share my life but they are important nonetheless), I would have killed myself a long time ago. Life is a very precious thing. It is a beautiful gift. It presents sensations and emotions and feelings, and the opportunities for thoughts, and possibilities of creating grand and fantastic things, some of which I am fortunate enough to have experienced in my mind. But with it comes the torture and agony, sometimes unbearable, of enountering or committing such incredible evil, not necessarily physical, that in the end, the mind becomes numb and no longer wants to function. I have camped at this mountainside. I have ventured to the foothills of such thought. I was not lead, nor did I follow a track, nor did I create the path there. I do not know how I arrived, but the sheer madness of it, the sheer madness of this madening place made my soul vibrate with the combined force of all negative emotions I have ever mustered. I go to this place every time I think a negative thought. I cringe at the purity of the evil eminating from evil people. The sheer barbarity of our actions lie rooted deep within this fountain of negative force, giving birth to everything from GREED to ENVY to LUST and ANGER, resulting in MURDER, GENOCIDE, THIEVERY, TORTURE, and worst of all, EVIL FOR THE SAKE OF EVIL. We are all human beings. HUMAN BEINGS! What in nature has creted this destructiveness?! What drives this madness?! Evil people destroying lives as though it were entertainment! Where does the blame lie? Whom do I point fingers to? The equation is simple: control minds + control money = evil. I cannot go on. I simply cannot go on.
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